Dave Ducks Out Of Dumping Dunky

Dave has ducked out of dumping Dunky Duncan after the Rations Rat blew any Tory pretence of being the People's 'Progressive' Party out of the water. Cameron gained the high ground on the MPs' expenses scandal. Now he's in danger of showing his true posh blue colours, refusing to sack Duncan from his shadow post.

Just when Dave managed to duck the Duck House, up popped Dunky, out of the blue, caught on hidden camera, moaning about MPs "living on rations and treated like shit."

But hot of his hols, Cameron has said he will not sack one of his top frontbenchers with the lame excuse: "Alan made a bad mistake and he acknowledges that."

You have to feel sorry for the 'poor' man. There he was, ration book at the ready, spouting forth while sipping a glass of wine on the commons terrace, blissfully unaware his shitty words were being recorded for posterity (see right side-bar).

There's no fool like a silver-haired old fool. The millionaire media-whore craved for a taste of celebrity. Thems what seek the public spotlight set themselves up for newspaper stings, the odd prankster with a cute little camera in his lapel or a spot of political dirty tricks.

And it was all going so well for Team Cameron. The usual summer cat-fight was well underway, with Boy George Osborne getting right up the nose of Pussycat Peter, claiming the Tories were now the "progressive" party. That went deep.

Mandy is not a happy bunny. Time to trash the Tories and dust off a Dunky video which magically appeared out of nowhere.

Progressive? It sounds a bit like someone's just taken the pee out of regressive.

Dave came down on Dunky like a ton of bricks but stopped short of the big E, blissfully unaware that comments like that may just raise an eyebrow in the stockbroker belt but on the coal-face it's class war.

The Tories need gobby fat cats like Duncan like a hole in the head if hard-up voters are to turn to the Tories because they like them rather than suffer daily dollops of Brown sauce.

Nick Cohen put it so well: “The campaign will be a massacre. Four weeks of Cameron - whom you can’t help liking even if you disagree with him - vs Brown - whom you can’t help disliking even if you agree with him”.

All that on a day when unemployment hit yet another record high, youngsters face a life on the dole and families face a mountain of debt, forced to turn to loan sharks on the high streets and the back streets.

Under orders from a furious boss, Duncan was forced to back-pedal offering an "unreserved" apology. Just the jestful bleating of a millionaire who's trousering a fortune as an MP.

Have I Got News For You, Dunky. No one believes that. You were deadly serious - in a wealthy, privileged sort of way. And the Orange Party reckons there are quite a few MPs of all colours who'd agree - but not naive and immature enough to be caught on camera.

Cameron had managed to gain the high ground on the expenses scandal and the high ground as the general election draws near.

Duncan has shown himself up and shown up his Party. In a class war which is sure to break out as the election draws ever near, would the public vote for a government if Duncan was in the cabinet?

Dave should have returned from hols with a pressy for dear Duncan - a bottle of whisky and a loaded revolver. He should be sacked from his shadow post - a view shared by grassroots Tories.

Instead it's business as usual in the troughing House of Shame and Duncan and his ilk are free to makes even bigger prats of themselves all over again.

Top picture: Duncan having a charity ball with a Prince Charles impression (Guardian)

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Two Sorries, Two Browns, Too Late

Freshly made-up Brown bounced back with a fulsome apology and a new make-over over the expenses scam which has rocked Westminster and left MPs in a cold sweat. Only it was all a tad too late. Darn Dave had got in there before him. 

After hiding away for days in the bunker while the flippin' New Labour expenses scam exploded in his face, battered Brown suddenly found his make-up bag and popped up to say 'sorry', sort of, as he played followed the (new) leader. 

But in a cunning piece of political timing, the spluttering S-word only came out after some front-bench Tories were slammed as a rotten lot of greedy chancers. Cameron had already got in quick with an apology, quick as a flash, last night. Though tomorrow could be a bad day for back-bench Tories bracing themselves for the Telegraph's damaging drip-feed.

Bad timing, crafty political footwork or unable to make up his mind about whether to use Polyfilla or foundation cream?

MPs expenses are a sick joke. But whatever the political colours, it's all too little too late. The Orange Party prefers the pale and interesting look but even with the make-up cannot get its head round exactly which bits Brown is apologising for. 

Is it "the system" of a flipping second homes fiddle which has been festering for years on his watch? 

Is is the stark truth that a decade of power has left greedy cabinet and low-life ministers taking the easy ride on the gravy train?

Or maybe with some Tories in the firing line at last, now was a good day to bury the bad news about his cronies who've been milking the system for all its worth in both houses of parliament. Time to come over all statesman-like. And orange.

Pale-faced Brown was left red-faced this morning after the Sun reported his make-up tips had been left in a taxi by a bungling aide. But no doubt he can claim it all on expenses. Isn't that what Blair did with his make-up bill?

Despite the make-over and half-baked apology hard questions over squalid expenses still remain. Today's 'sorry' has taken the heat off Cameron's Tories and thrown the ball back in Brown's court. 

So why not just scrap expenses altogether? Fix a salary tied to a civil service spine, couple it with a single flat rate London living allowance for all MPs outside the capital and cut back on the over generous freebie first-class travel and the like. 

After all, MPs go into politics to serve the people not feather their own nest. Somehow it's unlikely that radical plan will get past the speaker. 

But what has been scotched is the flammed up spinning plan dreamt up by Blair's knighted MP Sir Stuart Bell to use the smokescreen of a new audit fees office to hide receipts from FOI laws after a timely intervention by the Times. 

Meanwhile back in the real world, for everyone else struggling to make ends meet, it's still the economy stupid. 

No doubt the Supreme Leader is wrestling with the great affairs of state. How to wrong-foot the Tories and knife his own kind in the back, what to do about getting Euro trashed on June 4 and what to do with his own pesky party politicians lining up to have a pop at his premiership.

More worrying is the highly unusual move of Tory peers who usually keep their noses out of commons affairs now calling for a general election to clear the air. For the Tories, that one will run and run.

It will take more than new make-up to make up for a decade of lost time, lost opportunity, lost make-up tips and a lost plot. 

Brown needs to find a magic 'expenses' bullet and fire a final shot to break out of the relentless round sleaze and scandals which have engulfed Westminster and his MPs. He could start with a purge of his crooks and second-rate spivs.

Picture: Brown make-over before and after

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