Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Yes, Prime Minister

After five anxious days struggling on life-support, democracy has shown weak signs of recovery. Rescued by common sense. A new Dave day has dawned.

Faced with the wrath and ridicule of the electorate, the shambles of the last five days has left in its wake Clegg's naked ambition, Mandy's naked grab for power and Brown's naked cheek.

The end came with a muddled mess. Just like the outcome of the general election. As a new Dave dawn breaks, the new ship of 'new politics', 'liberal conservatism' and 'coalition' sets sail into unchartered waters. And into over-hyped copy.

Would he go or would he stay? In the end Beaten Brown was forced to make a sharp exit. Follow the podium. Follow the family photocall. Follow the limos heading to the palace. The country was in limbo without even an unelected prime minister. Where's Dave? Dunno.

It was left to a guy with a digital camera to let voters in on the secret, flashing round the world the picture of 'democracy' at work. Cameron and the Queen 'kissing hands'. Only they didn't or perhaps they did.

It's been a funny old day but then it's been a funny old election. The party with the most number of seats and the most number of votes "has a mandate to try to govern," loser Clegg assured everyone. Only two-faced two-timing Clegg was telling porkies.

Naked ambition was the name of the endgame as the cunning Mandy plan fell into place to take Brown's scalp while he was still squatting in No 10. Cleverclogs Clegg would prop up the illegitimate regime with the Dark Lord dreaming of his everlasting New Labour Project. Labour in bed with hated Liberals? No way.

In the end the Parliamentary Labour Party pulled the plug. Forced to sit on the sidelines watching the sickening spectacle of unelected Mandy, Campbell and Adonis call the shots was too much to take. Liberals too had to wake up to the reality of a party and leader rightly ridiculed and pilloried in the press.

Three long years of disastrous Brown's deceitful premiership have finally come to an end, leaving behind the festering remains of a fag-end government and economic mess.

Meanwhile the long-suffering electorate is still left in the dark after all the wheelings and dealings. Just what kind of government are they letting themselves in for? That has been a closely guarded secret.

Only after Dashing Dave had taken the keys to No 10 was the devil in the detail revealed to a waiting electorate. A Tory-led full blown coalition with LibDem cabinet seats in a binding agreement.

Eleven million people voted for Tories and their policies. Far fewer for Wonderboy Clegg and the Little Party. But voters have no idea which policies will get through the coalition net.

'Call me Dave' is now Cameron, PM with all the trapping of power, patronage, constitutional baggage and the code for the nuclear trigger. Little Nick is still tagging along.

The cunning Campbell plan for Brown to leave with dignity ended with the most undignified of exits. The public was within a whisker of being shafted by spin. But it was the people wot won it. And the people will give the new government a fighting chance.

The new boys will have to plough through the wreckage and start to sort out the chaos. The party of failure is left to lick its wounds, regroup and live to fight another day.

Calm down, dears. It's only 13 years of power and privilege down the pan. Pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off, start all over again …

Video: Bob Hoskins lip-syncs to 'Pick Yourself Up' from Dennis Potter's highly acclaimed BBC series 'Pennies From Heaven' (1978). Music from Lew Stone & His Orchestra.

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