Brighton On The Rocks

The Supreme Leader is taking a break from saving the world in a UN kitchen to bore the pants off the Party unfaithful at his Brighton on the Rocks leaving party, leaving a Party that has lost the will to live.

The London to Brighton old crocks rally is underway as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Brown bounces along, with just a stop-over to save everyone from cancer.

Hard up for a headline, BBC On-Line News had 'the gang's all here to rallying round the PM'. Yeh, sure. Then it was 'Brown heading for the conference'. Stand by for a quick update with 'Beaming Brown in Brighton' after he puts on his slap.

Are there any hairy-arsed hacks working over the weekend? Even Lester Piggot would have to ride flat out to keep up with all the jockeying for position to be first past the post-Brown post.

Old timer, 'no time two loos' Prezza, is rallying downtrodden troops on the terraces with a rousing chorus of 'Old Faithful', slagging off everything and everybody.

You old bruiser, you.

"They're a bloody party of whiners, when what we want is a party of campaigners," whined Prescott. "Stop banging on about women's rights." Right on Brother John. Shame about the sisterhood.

It's a one horse race and boy do they know it. The Tories are set to romp home. Opinion polls show delectable Dave has fulfilled his lifelong ambition as heir to Blair and now better liked than his own Party. New Labour has lost it. Get over it.

As Cohen predicted: “The campaign will be a massacre. Four weeks of Cameron, whom you can’t help liking even if you disagree with him, vs Brown, whom you can’t help disliking even if you agree with him”.

As usual, Brook's Times photofit (top) hits the nail on the head. Conference coup talk and the Scotland scandal are waiting in the wings. The great bird of events, old chap, is waiting to drop him in deep do-do.

There's not much for the lamentable leader to live up to. Liability Brown has only to upstage clapped out Clegg's scintillating speech. And make promises he won't have to keep. A fag-end government with a lame duck leader has lost the right to be listened to.

No doubt his minder, Steely Sarah, will be on hand to guide him to the podium before twittering off. Whatever you do luv, don't take him for a walk on the beach.

"If Kinnock wins today, will the last one to leave please turn off the lights" was the Sun's plea to voters in '92. We don't want a repeat of that headline, now do we?

What to sing at the end? Linking arms with a rousing 'we'll keep the lighter-shade-of-pale red flag flying here' doesn't have the same ring to it.

How about 'Always look on the bright side of life'? It worked for the lads on HMS Sheffield.

Like the man on the Clapham omnibus no-one is taken in by the great big grin and the conference spin. The Orange Party won't be at Brighton watching fish rot.

Besides, you don't have to sit through Beaten Brown's resignation speech. Ever helpful Polly Tonybee over at the Guardian has written it out for him in big letters. A bit long winded even for Polly Filler. A short 'So long and thanks for the fish' would suffice.