What's New Pussycat?

Peter the Pussycat is due to arrive back in dear old Blighty to take a firm hand on the tiller of the sinking ship after swanning around with his uber-rich pals in the Med while running the country on his BlackBerry. With a decade of spin and illusion set to go down the pan, it's now all down to unelected Mandy to carry the torch for the dying New Labour brand.

What's new pussycat? It's a sure sign of the silly season when Guardian readers have to suffer a carefully placed puff for Peter as he takes a leaf from Brucie's book to proclaim: "I'm in charge".

Baring all to Decca Aitkenhead, the other Supreme Leader tells how he used to be the "hard man" of New Labour but now "I'm just a pussycat."

New Labour was Mandy's baby. He's not going to let it die without a fight. If that requires a makeover from hard man to kindly pussycat, so be it.

Nothing is placed in the press by Peter without a purpose. The latest spin is just part of the new manipulation strategy to paint the New Labour gang as underdogs in the run up to the general election.

Given the chance of a taste of power, New Labour types always return to type. McCavity Brown is holed up plotting away. Have-a-go Hattie got stuck into the Seventies banging on about women's rights. Now it's the turn of powerful Pierre weaving the magic wand of illusion.

The Orange Party well remembers the deep red rose slowly turning into a more user-friendly lighter shade - a telling and ominous sign of the 'all style and no substance' which has been a hallmark of the last decade.

A hijacked Party was kept going by the superb showmanship of Blair, sinister spin of Campbell, shifty skulduggery of Mandelson and political strategy of Gould.

On the side-lines was deluded Brown, propping up the project with some crafty accounting. He hasn't back stabbed, bullied, smeared and plotted to fulfil his dream of being an elected PM just to let Cameron snatch it all away from him. But the New Labour project is much bigger than Brown. He's expendable. And Mandy will do what it takes.

So it's now down to manipulating Mandy who seemed intent on proving to Guardian readers how much he's changed since he was Blair's "very hard-nosed, uncompromising hard man - sometimes the hit man."

"I think probably the nicest thing I've experienced slightly in contrast to my previous time in government ­ is how warmly my Cabinet colleagues have embraced me." Pull the other one, Peter.

He really should get out more instead of lording it up with the rich kids. But then that's the beauty of pulling a masterstroke and worming your way into an unelected and unaccountable position of power. There are no irritating voters to bother about. No nasty local constituency party. In fact no one to stop you swanning around playing at Mr Big. Nice work if you can get it.

But before Mandy gets completely carried away with his new pussycat persona, the Orange Party would sound a word of caution. Not everyone in the Labour Party loves you, Peter. In fact most would be happy to spit on your grave.

The fag-end government with Brand Brown floundering away is a discredited laughing stock. But to be fair to poor Peter there really isn't anyone with the brains, skill, charm and downright political cunning to carry forward the torch of the New Labour brand.

But the New Labour parrot isn't just resting. It's downright dead. The FT reports how even New Labour MPs have given up the ghost and are not putting themselves forward as a ministerial bag-carrying PPS.

After what seems like a lifetime, voters have finally woken up to the con and won't be taken in by any more spin and hype. Exposed and standing stark naked, soon New Labour will be just a sad and embarrassing footnote in history with an economic and morally bankrupt country as its legacy.

The Labour Party may have died with John Smith but the Orange Party is still clinging to the belief that somewhere buried in the bullshit is a true Labour Party bursting to get out. But it will take the wake up call of a landslide Tory election victory for the Party to finally wake up and see sense.

What is certain is that a leopard cannot change its spots and born again Peter the Pussycat won't be invited to that Party.

Bottom picture: Private Eye