Who's In Charge?

Downing Street has been sent into super-spin with all the Supreme Leaders on hols. But the great ship of state has not been left rudderless. Peter the All Powerful has a firm hand on a tiller from a sunbed in the Med. The media is again indulging in a spot of summer fun asking the old favourite - who's in charge of barmy Britain? As Mr Humphries would say: "I'm free."

It's not as if the vast army of Downing Street spinners hasn't had time to plan the Great Escape. But unelected and unaccountable Mandy had a Brucie moment in Corfu to pronounce: "I'm in charge." What a disgraceful way to run a country.

Was it only a year since Dave and Sam took time out from their hols to do a a spot of modelling for the Boden summer catalogue? Not to be outdone, copy cat Gordon tried it on and loosened his tie. But somehow modelling for Greenwoods lacked a sense of style.

So what have we got this year? Gordon has been forced to do community service in his constituency as penance for screwing up the economy and punishment for rigging the Glenrothes postal vote in his by-election backyard.

It's curtains for Hattie, forced to make a sharp exit after rubbing everyone up the wrong way again, wearing the same old trousers and boring the pants off everyone with her tired old bleatings to suck up to the sisterhood. So circa Seventies.

So it's hello sailor and all hands on deck as Mandy takes a firm grip on the tiller barking orders by BlackBerry with the Mail happy to oblige with the kind of shock exclusive and surreptitious telephoto shots normally reserved for the News of the Screws.

According to the Mail, Mandy "chose to oversee Whitehall business from 1,300 miles away, armed with little more than an official BlackBerry, his own mobile phone - and a pair of swimming goggles." Why swimming goggles? Don't ask.

Will they ever learn? Everyone was thoroughly fed up with Blair and his freebie holidays with nice 'n sleazy Silvio and the Living Doll. Even more browned off with two loos Prezza snapped playing crochet at Dorneywood when he should have been running the country or shagging his secretary.

The Tories learnt the hard way, ever since Boy George Osborne spilled the beans on Mandy caught 'pouring pure poison' about Gordon. Cross Mandy at your peril, as he pulled in a few favours and with a crafty piece of spinning footwork managed to turn the tables and make out it was the boy George who was the baddy.

We're told that real Supreme Leader spent much of yesterday soaking up the sun. But at 8.30pm he was down on the waterfront to meet Hollywood magnate David Geffen and other rich pals arriving by launch from Geffen's 452-foot super-yacht Rising Sun which he is sharing with software boss, Larry Ellison, who happened to be entertaining Blair on the same vessel off Sardinia just two weeks ago.

And to cap it all, it seems Mandy had ignored a direct order from the struggling Supreme Leader who "expects duty ministers to be on duty in London or on departmental visits at all times", fuelling speculation he's plotting the Dear Leader's downfall.

Tories and LibDems are having a field day. Tory chairman Eric "two homes and proud of it" Pickles said: "You really know the country is in a shambolic state when we have an unelected official calling the shots from his holiday hideout."

Not to be outdone, LibDem, Norman Baker, waded in: 'It doesn't say much for their forward planning that Labour can't even manage to leave one person in charge of the country who's actually in the country.'

Thank goodness for Saint Vince who's been kind enough to postpone his summer break to explain to everyone what the hell has been going on with Brown's banks.

The Orange Party only took a break to escape the deadly ravages of Bore flu and the sizzling heat of the Met Office's dodgy 'barbecue summer'.

Now it seems that 'barbecue summer' was all a cunning con by the government's Met Office spinners to keep everyone holed-up in Blightly. Bore Flu was just a neat way to cut down the NEETs on the dole figures by forcing 16 year olds to work late hours at the call centres.

Meanwhile, as the body count rises in the Afghan killing fields, MPs are happy enjoying their long summer hols. The Orange Party suggests Lawrence's Seven Pillars of Wisdom as an essential summer read - a favourite at the Foreign Office but not the MoD which explains the current mess.

Mid picture: Mail. Bottom picture: Private Eye front cover