Swine Flu-Aren't You Pig Sick Of It?

The country's gripped by swine flu fever, the world is on the brink of a global disaster and ministers are milking it for all it's worth. Battered Brown is down with a bout of the U-turns. A dose of flu is just what the spin doctor ordered.

Hundreds die in our filthy hospitals, millions die of malaria around the world and no-one blinks an eye. But a few coughs and sneezes and the country goes crazy.

Overwritten, over-hyped and way over the top, the BBC proclaims: 'Too late' to contain swine flu. "The deadly swine flu virus can no longer be contained, says a WHO official, as the health agency raises its alert level." Scary stuff if it was true.

Dad's Army ministers are rushing around with corporal Johnson leading the fray - Don't Panic! Statements are made in the House, COBRA convenes in the bowels of Whitehall, newspapers clear the front pages and the headlines come thick and fast. Brown is on fine form promising to "do all he can to tackle the global crisis."

Does anyone really believe this swine flu fever is kosher? There's nothing like a global disaster of epic proportions to bury bad news and bad headlines - and this is nothing like a global disaster. Whipping up a fake crisis does wonders for pharma firms profits, set to make a packet out of anti swine flu vaccines.

The message is stay calm, everything is under control. Well yes of course we should and yes it is. There are enough stockpiles of anti-viral drugs and cute face masks to set a new fashion trend.

Brown's bunch has tried to play the terrorism card and that didn't work so how about a dose of flu.

You can just imagine what's going through the minds of Downing Street spinners as they press the panic button and swine fever wipes away the doom and gloom from the headlines at a stroke.

But where was the illustrious health secretary when thousands of people were dropping like flies from MRSA in our filthy hospitals?

Where was the outrage, accountability and responsibility from ministers when scores of NHS patients were killed during the country's deadly outbreak of the hospital C.Difficile superbug at Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells NHS Trust?

And that's just here at home. What about the millions killed by malaria, filthy water supplies and heroin? Don't they count as full blown genuine world health emergencies.

The Orange Party was always taught that coughs and sneezes spread diseases - so trap them in your handkerchief.

The current outbreak tells more about the poverty and vast overcrowding in Mexico City, with a population of over 20 million struggling to cope with its health care system and a country caught on the hop without the resources to buy in and stock-pile anti-viral drugs which could allay nasty symptoms of flu.

If we've got enough to treat 33m people why not send a million over to Mexico to help them out? Or is that not the sort of global crisis Brown is keen to tackle?

Mexican health officials say the "suspected" death toll from swine flu had risen to 152 but of that number, only 20 have been confirmed as swine flu.

There have been a few cases in America and around the world and here in Scotland. But outside Mexico, people have been only mildly ill and have made a full recovery. No-one outside Mexico has died.

This is clearly a nasty bug and people can die especially the old and vulnerable but flu outbreaks happen all the time.

The World Health Organisation is always on the alert for the next nasty around the corner and some, like Avian flu and SARS can be killers of epic proportion if they are not kept in check. But often the outbreak is down to the poverty, squalid living conditions and pathetically poor health care and hygiene rather than the bug itself.

Bird flu turned out to be a damp squib in this country with only a washed up dead swan to show for all the trouble. Here it's MRSA and C.Difficile which are the true indictment of the slowness of ministers to come to grips with our filthy hospitals aided and abetted by a target chasing management.

Interestingly it's the Sun which today puts it all into perspective. Often derided for working on the tried and trusted principle of 'Never let the facts get in the way of a good story', it's the Sun wot doesn't flam it up.

As Fergus Shanahan puts it: "But the scare does give Brown a breather after his lousy Budget. If he really wants the sympathy vote, I wouldn’t put it past him to start sneezing himself. No doubt his sleazy aides have already suggested it."

Though it seems the PM is taking no chances as he prepares to face the wrath of the commons and the country.