Thursday, July 10, 2008

A Rough Guide To H'Price And Howden

Some politicians and the media are trying to drum up interest in today's Haltemprice and Howden by-election. A rough guide to the constituency wouldn't go amiss. Here's one prepared earlier.

Haltemprice and Howden can be shortened to 'Hal&How' if you want it to fit a short headline, or just 'H&H' if you want to bury it. 

It's up 'north, in a place that used to be called Yorkshire. It's made up of two quite separate parts. There's a clue in the name of the constituency. 

Haltemprice doesn't exist. It's just lots of houses pretending to be villages, full of people who are relieved to have escaped the hell-hole of nearby Hull, home to fish and chips, heroin and John Prescott. It can be safely described as the 'leafy suburbs'.

Howden is a sleepy market town surrounded by lots of fields. It can be safely described as 'a sleepy market town'.

People in 'the sleepy market town' of Howden are Yorkshire volke. They can be safely described as 'down to earth', 'blunt speaking', with no time for 'them southerners, who come up here with their fancy talk'. 

People in the 'leafy suburbs' of Haltemprice don't like to be reminded that they originally came from Hull, home to fish and chips, heroin and John Prescott. 

Places to eat and drink:
Entries in Good Food Guide: No listings
Entries in Hotel Guide: No listings
Entries in Good Pub Guide: A couple but they may have already closed down
Entries in Estate Agents windows for 'pubs for sale': Quite a lot
Entries in Good Beer Guide: Anywhere left that sells Theakston's, Black Sheep or Sam Smiths

Getting there: 
By car: North up the M1 and turn right before the motorway runs out at Leeds
By rail: Overnight sleeper from London to Fort William. Then who knows?
By air and sea: London to Amsterdam. Then ferry from Zebrugge to Hull
By private helicopter: London to your pal's estate in Yorkshire
By London newsdesk, TV studio: Google Maps

Places to visit:
The Scottish Highlands, the English Lakes, the Cotswolds, Amsterdam

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