Friday, April 30, 2010

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

The final debate has ended with a final showdown and a Mexican standoff from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Starring 'Brutto' Brown as 'Angel Eyes', 'Cattivo' Clegg as 'Tuco' and, er, 'Buono' Cameron as 'Blondie'. Why couldn't he be called Brian? Oh well. Lights! Cameron! Action!

Three Westminster cowboys stare at each other in the centre of the graveyard of politics. Tension mounts as they calculate post-election alliances and weigh up the dangers.

Angel Eyes 'Brutto Brown' has the hang-dog Nixon look, haunted by the curse of Duffy.

Tuco 'Cattivo Clegg' looks tired and sweaty in the studio sun. Desparate to cling on to his share of electoral gold. But in his heart he knows his shallow policies will lead him to a shallow grave.

Blondie 'Buono Cameron' is riding high. Ready for revenge with the noose of a hung parliament still fresh in his mind.

And then they draw.

Blondie shoots Angel Eyes Brown, who rolls into an own goal of an open grave.

Tuco Clegg also tries to shoot Angel Eyes. To his horror he discovers that Blondie had unloaded his gun the night before.

Blondie Dave drags Tuco Clegg to the grave marked 'Unknown'.

Tuco Clegg digs himself into a deep hole. Overjoyed to find bags of gold. Shocked when he turns to Blondie and finds himself staring at the noose.

Seeking revenge for what Tuco Clegg has done to him, Blondie forces Tuco to his grave and fixes the noose around his neck, before riding off with his share of the gold.

Tuco screams for mercy. Blondie's silhouette returns on the horizon. Aiming his rifle, a single shot severs the noose rope.

Tuco drops face-down onto his share of the gold.

Blondie Dave smiles and rides off into the sunset. Tuco Clegg has his gold but no horse on which to carry it. Cattivo Clegg curses with rage. Finito.

Footnote: In some trailers 'Angel Eyes' is referred to as The Ugly and 'Tuco' as The Bad. Depends on what was lost in translation in the spin room.

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