Sunday, January 18, 2009

Con Man Obama Flees With Funds-Shock

WASHINGTON—Millions of unsuspecting Americans have been left shocked, devastated and reeling from news that president-elect and international con man, Barack Obama, has fled the country (Sunday) with nearly $85 million in campaign funds.

According to FBI investigators, Obama's sudden disappearance was discovered at 7.15 am (local time) when the former Illinois senator failed to arrive at rehearsals for his presidential inaugural gala gig in Washington, prompting several aides to rush back to his luxury Hay-Adams hotel. 

At 7.23 pm, flight logs at Dulles International Airport confirmed that two passengers, a male carrying two silver Armani briefcases and dressed in Panama hat, Hawian shirt and Kenyan shorts and an African-American female wearing a black panther cat-suit, were seen boarding a private plane heading for Dubai.

Obama's suite, sources said, was completely vacant aside from a discarded Abraham Lincoln portrait, behind which was an emptied safe that his aides claimed never to have seen before.

In addition, three unconscious Secret Service agents were discovered at the scene, along with two lit cigarettes still burning in an ashtray and Obama's daughters, who authorities now believe were child actors taken from an Alabama foster home six years ago.

The only item found inside the metal safe was a letter, handwritten with a fountain pen and titled "An Explanation, My Dears."

"To my tender little pawns, the all-too-trusting people of America," said FBI lead investigator DR Agnet, quoting the letter at a hastily arranged press conference. 

"If you are reading this, then I have already left your silly country in my private jet, and am right now sipping fine champagne with my lovely associate, a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'"

"I assure you, this was the most pleasurable and fulfilling con I have ever pulled off," the note continued. "Not since the Moroccan elections in 1984 have I taken so much joy in raising, and then crushing, the hopes and dreams of so many pathetic, disenfranchised, and downtrodden people."

"It's been an absolute delight doing business with you. Rest assured, your generous contributions will be well spent," the note concluded. "Fondly yours, O."

After initiating a further search of his hotel suite, officials found a forged birth certificate, two dozen counterfeit passports inside Obama's desk drawer and a half completed draft autobiography, signed by one W Ayres. 

Known to go under a number of disguises and aliases including Barry White, Barack Black, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Jesus and Will Smith, authorities suspect that this is not the first time that the man who inspired millions has preyed upon a leadership-starved country, raised a record amount of money by running for office, and then vanished without a trace.

"This explains Portugal in '86, Finland in '94, and Greece in '90," CIA director Dee Pthroat said. "He used the same faultless cover in those elections as he did here—a dead mother, a runaway father, a grandfather who fought in Patton's or Järnefelt's or Papdopoulous' army, and his signature calling card: change."

Multiple translations of Obama's books Dreams From My Father and The Audacity Of Hope were also discovered at the scene, each seemingly authored by a different world leader, including former Malaysian president Mohamad Mahathir, former Belgian prime minister Jean-Luc Dehaene, and the 14th Dalai Lama.

Of particular interest were the titles Les Rêves De Mon Père and L'audace D'espére, both of which feature a cover photo of French president Nicolas Sarkozy, a man Paris officials claim hasn't been seen or heard from in nearly eight months.

According to investigators, it appears that over the past 15 years, Obama has been elected president or prime minister in nearly 45 countries, many of them African. 

Officials estimate that since 1983 Obama has amassed more than $2.3 billion in stolen campaign financing.

"He's good, real good," Pthroat said. "Sometimes he'll have three campaigns going on at once. 

Recently uncovered video of him in Bangladesh, Ukraine, and Italy in 1989 shows him shifting seamlessly between three languages. And no matter what dialect he speaks, he speaks it passionately. He also abides by a flawless formula: a desperate country, plus hope, plus the promise of a bold new tomorrow equals big bucks."

"Hell, even I donated the $2,400 to his campaign," he added.

Obama's closest aides, including head campaign strategist David Axelrod, admitted that they never once suspected their candidate was anyone other than who he claimed to be. 

Axelrod said he now felt manipulated and had been taken in by all the media hype. The recent revelation did explain why he once overheard Michelle Obama tell her husband that "the time had come to blow this joint."

"He completely suckered me," said a visibly dejected vice president-elect Joe Biden, who estimated that he raised over $10 million for Obama. "I trusted him. Change, 'Yes We Can,' a new kind of politics, bringing the nation together, valuing an open dialogue about the issues—I trusted all of it."

A dejected Biden added, "I should have known it was too good to be true."

Secretary of state and one-time presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton said: "It would be an honour and privilege to serve my country, if only someone would ask me."

Meanwhile the BBC plans to press ahead with Tuesday's full day of live inauguration coverage regardless, using stock footage of the man they have come to know and love as "The One". Channel 4 has cancelled its coverage and plans instead an extended broacdast by Osama Bin Laden.

Mystery also surrounds the whereabouts of former Britpop prime minister, Tony Blair, with only a short statement issued through his tour manager: "This is not the time for sound bites but I do feel the hand of history and the war crime tribunal on me. He was the People's President and one day soon I hope to be the People's President of Europe."

A grinning UK prime minister, Gordon Brown, said he was just getting on with the job, saving the world from global warming, the global turndown and mosquitos. "There's only room for one saviour of the world,"  he added, grinning.

In a bid to sell more newspapers, media magnate, Rupert Murdoch, is rushing out full colour supplements across his vast empire entitled: "Cashing In On Obama."

The National Enquirer is already running a front page scoop alleging Obama had a love-child with Ophrah Winfrey. 

Devastated everyday Americans, whom Obama referred to as "so many unwitting chess pieces in my elaborate game," also expressed shock.

"I'm devastated and shocked," Chicago resident and Obama donor Denise Doorbell told reporters. "I just hope he comes back soon so I can buy some more of that snake-oil medicine he sold me and he can be our messiah." 

Hat tip: Rewritten from the original spoof in The Onion

1 comment:

Ted said...

The question is not IF there will be an interdiction of Obama's Presidency by the Supreme Court, the questions are WHEN and HOW that interdiction will transpire -- that is, if the USA is to continue as the Constitutional Republic that now exists